The Letterboxd Top 4 of America’s Founding Fathers
Assorted Flavors features listicles and other movie-related goodies.
What if—instead of writing the Declaration of Independence and fighting the British—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and America’s other Founding Fathers were logging their favs on Letterboxd?
Here’s what their Four Favorites would have been.
George Washington
The Godfather — Every problem with the Corleones stems from turning politics into a personal feud. WTF y’all, he wrote an entire farewell address about such toxicity.
National Treasure — No one knows why he loves it so much. He just leaves “👀” for the review. People assume it’s confirmation of treasure.
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World — Most viewers see adventure. Georgie sees a well-organized supply chain. Orgasmic.
Hamilton — His review: “I don’t remember any of this shit.”
Thomas Jefferson
Amadeus — Film about a brilliant, narcissist genius vindicated by history? Come on. The lack of self-awareness is startling.
The Social Network — He identifies with Zuckerberg, Sean Parker, and basically every character. Walks away thinking it’s somehow about him. Incredible, honestly.
Blade Runner — Contains his most essential nutrient groups: architecture, philosophy, French influences, and wistful tendencies. CAT. NIP.
Call Me By Your Name — His review is either five profound paragraphs of literary criticism, or the most disturbing shit you’ve ever read. Possibly both.
John Adams
12 Angry Men — A dude stubbornly refuses to back down from an argument. Representation! Finally!
My Cousin Vinny — Probably the only Founder who’d enjoy a movie because the legal procedure is accurate. He’d absolutely point out witness testimony errors while everyone else laughs.
Jaws — Entire movie: “Hey guys, I’m an expert and you’ve got a serious problem!” Officials: “Shut up, asshole!” He’s a huge fan of Robert Shaw’s subtle performance.
Spotlight — No one’s having fun and everyone’s stressed. Goddamn perfect, that’s all.
Benjamin Franklin
Jackass Number Two — Franklin flew a kite in a thunderstorm. He’d be proud of the Jackass crew for keeping scientific inquiry alive.
Poor Things — The review simply reads, “Hell yeah, brother!” No further explanation. 40,000 likes.
Oppenheimer — His entire philosophy was, “hey wouldn’t it be funny if we fucked around and found out?” Here’s the consequences of finding out.
Magic Mike XXL — Calls it “a foundational text” and doesn’t elaborate.
Alexander Hamilton
Uncut Gems — Watches this one to relax and unwind. Most people who watch Uncut Gems experience anxiety, but A. Ham feels warm nostalgia.
Whiplash — He empathizes deeply with ambition ruining a man’s mental health and life in general. Yikes.
The Dark Knight — Somehow, he identifies with both Batman AND The Joker. Thinks he could portray The Joker better than Heath Ledger.
The Wolf of Wall Street — Review begins…. 50,000 words later: “Anyway, that’s why we need a central bank.”
James Madison
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy — Oh hey, a movie where everyone quietly suspects each other of shady shit. This is Jamie Mad’s ideal social environment.
Zodiac — Charts! Evidence! Holy shit! He watches this the way athletes watch game film.
The Big Short — His review: “See, this is why institutions need safeguards!”
Primer — The only person in history to understand this film after one viewing. Enough said.
Aaron Burr
No Country for Old Men — His review: “A nuanced portrayal of ambition and grit.” Everyone’s worried.
There Will Be Blood — A comfort watch. He respects the hustle, not the murder. Okay, maybe the murder too, okay? Are you happy now?
The Prestige — Two geniuses destroying themselves through rivalry? He can’t relate. Loves the magic tricks though.
Parasite — Everyone else argues it’s a brilliant analysis on class. Burr thinks it’s about how well they manipulate each other. Absolute menace!
Bonus: King George III
The King’s Speech — “Representation matters. #notallkings”
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back — “The better ending.”
The Patriot — Gives it half a star. The review says “it’s absolute fucking slander.”
Ken Burns’ The Civil War — Review: “LMAAAAAAOOOOOO I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!!!”